I've been sort of putting off this post since I know it's not really okay to whine about A-minuses, but still. I really suck at math, but it just seems so unfair that they could drag down my GPA so damn much...



The two classes I got them in were back-to-back on Friday's, making it that I was there from 9-5. I also pretty much did not sleep a single Thursday night all semester, so I can't imagine that my work for those two was at the quality level it should have been.

So while I will have back-to-back classes next semester (what with my Thursdays & Fridays off, booyeh!), they won't both be reading-intensive academic things in a row. And since I felt intensely stupid all semester in my Contemporary Art class, I should at least be glad I didn't fare worse.

As for my cumulative GPA, it's ... okay. It can be worked with. If I manage to get nothing but A's from here on out, I can get it back to where I want it... but it's highly doubtful that unless I get working my ass off beginning immediately, my thesis will be anything to write home about. Argh.


I don't really know when or why I started caring so much about grades (considering my academic performance sometimes at Trinity, one would suspect I didn't know I was going to be graded at all), but the reality of ridiculously competitive internships and the staggering challenge of applying to PhD programs is looming with a very real sense of danger -- I feel like each time I slip, even a little, it's just going to be that much harder to do anything professionally.

I am so desperately afraid that I will graduate - all too soon - having plunged myself so much deeper in debt, and I will have absolutely no idea what I will do for work. I actually have nightmares about going back to work at Lester's or calling my mom asking if she can just cover my rent this once while I surf Craigslist trying to scrounge up enough money to stay afloat.

When I look at how obsessive and competitive my peers are, I just don't even know what to do with myself. If the Golden Child of the art history department (whom I really do adore - he deserves his reputation) gets rejected from internships, how am I even going to get a foot in the door? Especially when I am plagued daily by the sneaking suspicion that I'm really not that good at this and my professors are just being nice instead of telling me I'm really stupid and should maybe consider nursing or some other career.

I had a dream last night where a friend had come to my thesis opening and looked around at my paintings shaking his head (of course this dream wasn't useful -- I have no idea what the damn paintings looked like!). I asked "You don't like them?" and he shrugged saying, "I dunno, I always thought you'd be working to cure cancer or something. This is what you do instead?"

I know it's all in my head (mostly), but it scares me how often I remember that I actually was good at science. It made sense to me, and in fact I found it easy. My professors said I had a real knack for neuroscience, and had I not been such an undisciplined disaster as an undergrad, I could have done really well in it. I probably would not have been happy, and I have to remember that -- I mean surely it's more difficult to get into med school than a PhD program right? But at least there would have been a path, some specific regimen to follow to get where I want to be.

In seventh grade I'd looked up what all was involved in becoming a neurosurgeon, as well as my alternate, cardiology. Staring down minimally 12-17 years of residencies and advanced education beyond undergrad, I decided in favor of having a life, having a relationship, one day having kids... and now I'm kicking myself because those choices seem no more possible now than they would have been if I were too "busy" for them. Now I just can't afford them, and I can't figure out how I'm going to become able to... and that scares the bejesus out of me.

Then again if I would stop uselessly worrying all the time and just get painting, maybe I could get good enough to live one of those great myths of supporting oneself with art. If I would get studying and focus on doing well in my classes and like, get going on art history thesis research, maybe I could figure some things out and stop feeling so stupid. Maybe if instead of sitting about paralyzed wasting my life away, I did something, it wouldn't be so horrifying to face my future with so much uncertainty and fear.

Oh honey, I so feel you right now. I always imagined I'd be done having kids at 27, not possibly getting my ducks in a row to try for maybe next year for the first.

On the plus side, you should apply for my PhD program. It's not all that hard to get in, and the grad chair LOVES artists- it's how I got in!

And have we discussed that I had a Michelangelo seminar last semester as well? Actually, two- Buonarotti and Merisi da Caravaggio. Weird!

Weirdly, I think the Michelangelo thing is maybe how we started talking? How was your Caravaggio one?

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